Cheesecake a’la Love

In this last week, there has been:

• a lot of unapproved hand-holding at college campuses around America.
• much staring-deeply-into-each-other’s-eyes at mealtimes.
• many couples taking long walks around campus.
• a huge package count in the mailroom greater than the that of the textbook rush at the beginning of the semester.
• the “every kiss begins with KAY” jingle ringing in your head.
• hearts and pink things covering the Google search engine
• talk of love during the ads on Spotify
• constant conspicuous showings to you of “super cute and totally just what I want if anybody would buy them for me” Kate Spade handbags and wallets that would bankrupt even Donald Trump by your special female

Men this is not the end of the world. Flannels do still exist. The boots you hand-stitched from leather from your 10-point buck that you slew with your bare hands last winter in Maine, and with which you hiked 44 miles through snow and rock up a mountain face during the summer are still where you left them. Your face still grows facial hair. Don’t panic … yet.

This may, though, mean the end of your love life. This means what it meant last year in the middle of February when all of these strange signs happened last.

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day (panic now).

Men this is your chance to step up your game. Being a man myself, I can almost guarantee the thought of Valentine’s and doing anything about the 24 hours of angelic perfection your special someone expects out of you has not crossed your mind.

That is okay. We are going to remedy that with a how-to on cheesecake parfait. This means you can save that five dollars you were going to spend on a half wilted generic rose from Kroger and the ten dollars you were going to spend on a heart shaped box with about 50¢ worth of chocolates. You can also go ahead and skip buying that really sappy Hallmark card. You can skip all of that because you are going to make her cheesecake parfait—in your college’s cafeteria.

I can already sense the apprehension in you. You doubt that cheesecake parfait will do all this.

Men, trust me. I once asked a girl on a date and she actually went with me. I am nearly on expert on women, obviously.

Ladies swoon after cheesecake. I mean just making this cheesecake parfait in the cafeteria the other day at least five women fainted around me (this may or may not be true). Luckily I am CPR trained and I know my mouth to mouth resuscitation techniques (this is definitely true though *wink*).

 

Cheesecake a’la Love

Difficulty: 9/10

Time: 20-30 min

Essential Ingredients:

-Special Someone

-Dinner Date

-1 Tbl White Chocolate Chips

-1 single serve container of Plain Cream Cheese

-1 single serve container of Strawberry Cream Cheese

-1/4 cup Strawberries or Blueberries (in some of their juice)

-1/4 cup Frosted Flakes

-1 single serve container of Butter

-4 dessert sized serving containers

-1 large bowl of ice water

-1 large bowl or tray to hold all the other bowls as you carry them around the cafeteria

-4 spoons

-Dessert paper

-Panini Maker

-Microwave

 

Non-essential ingredients:

-knowledge of mouth to mouth resuscitation

-a good wink

-cologne

-freshly laundered clothes

-caramel sauce

-maraschino cherry

 

Take the white chocolate chips, place them in a dessert bowl, and warm them in a microwave for 10 seconds. Use a spoon to mix them until smooth. Add the plain cream cheese. Mix until smooth. Note: the bowl should be warm and thus do all the melting for you, if you melted the chocolate in the microwave you have already failed and need to start over. Set this mixture in ice water (please keep it in its bowl). This should make it firm and cool it off. Stir it on occasion throughout the rest of this cooking process.

Take the frosted flakes and break them into pieces in another dessert bowl. It should be of the same texture as your face when you forget to shave for a few weeks—so coarse. Take another bowl and place the single serve packet of butter in the bowl. Leave the plastic around the butter, but remove the metallic top. We are doing two simultaneous steps here. This is complicated so please follow closely. Warm the bowl and the butter in its small plastic container for 20 seconds. We need a warm bowl, but we don’t want the microwave to be warming nothing but plastic. We also need melted butter. This is why the steps are going on simultaneously. Pour the melted butter over the coarse cereal. Mix. Set aside.

Take the warm bowl and add the strawberry cream cheese to it. Mix until smooth. The bowl should be warm enough for us to get the right consistency. If it is not going well, add some juice from the fruit you chose. Mix well. Place in ice bath. Stir on occasion.

Head over to the panini maker. Place your buttered cereal in the parchment paper and place in the panini maker. This is to toast your cereal. Do not use the microwave, because that will make the cereal soggy. We are now ready to construct.

Add toasted cereal to a fresh dessert bowl. Press firmly into the bottom. Add half the white chocolate cream cheese mixture, which should be cold by now, into this same bowl. Add berries until all you see is berry. Add the flavored cream cheese mixture. More fruit. Now finish with the white chocolate cream cheese mixture. Garnish with a single berry or with maraschino cherry and caramel.

 

Now you have been equipped with all you need to know to receive a goodnight kiss and prevent getting murdered. Good luck men. Tomorrow you can strap those boots on, and put on those jeans you haven’t washed in a month. You don’t have to wear those stiff dress shoes to dinner tomorrow. You also can procrastinate on buying that Kate Spade wallet until next year.

You’re welcome.