Sugar and Spice and Everything Nice

…That is what oatmeal is made of.

I have attempted to make oatmeal many times in my life. Instant, stone milled, steel milled, and probably some other type of milled that I don’t particularly care about. I have coated the mushy grain in everything from vodka and vanilla to raisins and dried apricots.  Nothing has worked. Ever.

Not even today. I was hopeful you know. I woke up early and deep down within I felt I could finally make oatmeal great again. Too long had I muddled in quick microwavable off-brand apple and cinnamon oatmeal—today I was going to change that. I grabbed a fuji apple and began a series of wrong decisions.

Note: Fuji apples are not even apples they suck so much. I mean no one except my mom buys them and no one except sons of my mom ever eat them. They just are not good. Everyone knows this. They don’t look appetizing. They don’t even feel appetizing. They especially do not taste appetizing either. I thought with enough butter and sugar and tree nuts I could cover them up. I mean Paula Dean did that with all her dishes and they all seemed great. But OH WAS I WRONG. Fuji fruits-that-do-not-deserve-the-designation-apple cannot be made great again. Period.

…then I used unsweetened apple juice to bring in more apple flavor…

Note: sweetened apple juice should be used to make homemade apple and cinnamon oatmeal. But unsweetened apple juice should not. Just bad. Just really bad. It ends up tasting like someone butchered making apple cider. Actually we will go ahead and change the rule again. Apple juice should not be used to make homemade apple and cinnamon oatmeal. Apple cider from the north-midwest-east (AKA Michigan) is the only acceptable medium.

…then I grabbed walnuts and proceeded to saute them in with the apples and boil in the oatmeal…

Note: walnuts were not meant to be boiled. I know I know this. I have done this before, and every time I do it I tell myself: do not boil walnuts. I was thinking “oh it will be just a few minutes to let the oatmeal soften up—the walnuts will be fine”. But oh no, oh no—they were not fine. They got some gross texture. Let’s just make a firm and fast rule here. DO NOT BOIL WALNUTS. EVER. It will not make food great again.

…then I decided to not taste it before serving it to myself…

Note: tasting food before serving food automatically makes food great again. You can catch yourself. You can discover you have under-salted that vegetable soup over that you have over-spiced your taco meat. Then you can remedy your mistake by adding salt or adding water and meat, respectively. It was only 8:00AM when I made my oatmeal. I also had not had coffee yet so my brain was not quite functional, so I didn’t taste and catch the fact that my oatmeal tasted more like Atomic Waste apple candy than apple and cinnamon oatmeal. It was sour and needed a lot of sugar. Even adding close to a TEASPOON of sugar at the table could barely salvage the mistake I could have prevented way earlier.

Special Note: TASTE ANY FOOD YOU SERVE TO ANYONE BESIDE YOURSELF.

 

For all of you who want to make food great again keep this recipe in your do-not-ever-attempt-again section:

 

Cinnamon and Spice and Everything Nice That is What *Oatmeal* is (not) Made of

Tortilla-licious-ness: 0/10 (just failure on all accounts)

Avoidance factor: 5/10 (it was technically edible)

Hilldale Saga Create-ability: doable

 

You will not need this combination of ingredients ever again:

 

-1 Fuji fruit-that-does-not-deserve-the-designation-apple chopped

-1/2 tablespoon of butter

-large pinch-full of chopped walnuts

-1/4 cup unsweetened apple juice

-enough vanilla extract (this is vodka and vanilla for those of you who thought I was a drunkard earlier)

-nutmeg

-allspice

-cloves

-cinnamon sugar

-1/3 cup oatmeal whatever milled (Instant oatmeal is for couch potatoes who do not want to make food great again)

-2/3 cup water

-sugar to taste

-more sugar

-even more sugar

 

Way to not cook oatmeal:

Take your chopped fuji fruit-that-does-not-deserve-the-designation-apple and saute in the butter. Apples usually saute well. You are looking for a golden-brown color. Consider adding a very small pinch of salt to help break down the apple during this process. Add in the walnuts. They saute nicely as well. Spice up the oatmeal with your spices and vanilla extract. Add apple juice. Add water and bring to boil. Add oatmeal grains. Wait. Bring to table. Taste. Discover the unsweetness and add sugar. Make a face as you taste a second time and add more sugar. Repeat.

 

Way you could probably cook oatmeal (I have not actually tried this, so who knows):

Take thinly sliced dried red delicious apples. Chop up into small pieces with about 1 square centimeter of total surface area. Get about 1/2 cup of this. Put them off to the side. Take Apple cider and pour 2/3 cup into your pot. Bring to boil. Add vanilla extract and spices. Add 1/3 cup of oatmeal grains. Wait until oatmeal is cooked. Taste. Add sugar. Taste. Add sugar. Taste again. Add more sugar. Double check for safe measure. Add your apples now. Take off heat and let the oatmeal fluff up for about 2 minutes. Find your Germanic/Prussian/Mennonite grandmother’s peppernut Christmas cookies and crush them on top of oatmeal (seen in picture above). Enjoy. (Note to males trying to cook for babes: you may want to safely try this at home in the safety of your own kitchen before pulling this one out on her. This may not work at all in which case oatmeal will have to go on the list FOODS NOT ABLE TO BE MADE GREAT AGAIN)