Once Upon a Time There was a Quesadilla

Once upon a time there was a boring old man named Quesadilla. He lived a rather boring life. He even looked boring: two buttered (I rather doubt that margarine-ed was a word then, but if it were it would be more proper because of how boring all this was) tortillas sandwiched together with a small layer of mild cheddar. He came out on boring occasions like when you had nothing to do and had nothing to eat. He was only eaten at boring times by boring people. How boring! The end.

 

Once upon a very recent time (30 minutes ago) there was a very exciting, young, fit, and strong man named Quesadilla. He lived life to the fullest. He even saved the beautiful Mamasita from a horrendous lunchtime mistake. Oh he was the most dashing. Oh he was the most bold. Oh he was such a spicy man. He was beautiful. I wish he was still here with me—actually no I don’t. He died a noble death and I, as the evil villain, am quite content with having eaten him (I can still sense his warmth boiling in the Hydrochloric Sea in the land of Stomach). But let me tell you his story:

 

QUESADILLA

Tortil-la-licious-ness: 10/10

Ease of creation: 7/10

Freshness: 100 000 000 000 000+

Sexiness: ∞

 

What you will need:

– a knife (you never know sometimes, I figured I had better start with the basics)

-a cutting board (for the knife)

– Jesus (everyone needs him)

– 2 TBL cilantro

– ½ avocado

– ½ jalapeño (that weird symbol is necessary and if you don’t write ‘jalapeño’ this way and you don’t pronounce it using your Antonio Banderas voice then … ay-chihuahua … you need some immediate life help)

– ¼ red bell pepper

– 1 cob First Fruits yellow sweet corn (Yes it needs to be First Fruits sweet corn, if it isn’t then well you are screwed. You might as well give up now. And no, they are not a sponsor)

– ¼ red onion (white onion is not the same thing and no you cannot make the substitution)

– ½ tomato

– ¼ cup cabbage

– ¼ cup spinach (Spin! Acck!! Try to be healthy)

– 2 tortillas

– 2 TBL sour cream

– lime or lime juice

– ½ cup to 1 cup of some sort of spicy cheese—pepper-jack in a block works great. Jalapeño white cheddar is also very good.

– a trip to Quesadilla Gorilla (as pronounced by the owner “Quesadil-la Goril-la”. Hard ‘la’s everyone. And this is the only acceptable use of the hard ‘la’ in Mexican cuisine. Also not a sponsor. By the way, you are going there so you can eat great quesadil-las and afterward come home and make one yourself)

 

What you don’t need:

– margarine

– European accent

– yellow cheese

– fear

 

What to do:

 

Take your knife and grab it in your hand …

Now chop all the vegetables, except the spinach, into small cubes (If you just chopped the whole cob of corn into cubes then go and jump in a hole. You need life counseling). After chopping the jalapeño it is a GREAT idea to rub your eyes. Separate the cilantro, tomato, and avocado and place them into a small bowl. Add lime juice, and toss lightly. Set aside.

 

Take your corn, husk the outermost two layers of husk and microwave for two minutes. Turn over the corn in microwave, and microwave for one minute. Take it out and burn your hand as you husk off the rest of the husk. Burn your hand again as you gently remove the kernels from the lava log of corn using your knife. To do this, hold your corn orthogonal to the cutting board and slide the blade parallel to the cob toward the cutting board. It is appropriate to scream a few times in pain while cutting the corn to let your special Chica (whom you picked up using my cheesecake parfait recipe) know you are just making lunch and that she does not in fact to need to call the ambulance—yet.

 

Take the corn and other vegetables and toss them in a hot frying pan with a teaspoon of coconut oil. Heat until the spinach is just barely wilted and the cabbage is getting a little transparent. Take your hot vegetables and place them on top of a tortilla that has been placed on a griddle with a half the cheese on it already. Now add the other half the cheese to the top of the vegetables and seal the whole thing in another tortilla. It should go: tortilla, cheese, vegetables, cheese, tortilla. The two layers of cheese are necessary. Heat the griddle on medium heat until the bottom tortilla is golden. Flip. Heat until what used to be the top tortilla is golden as well.

 

Chop into sixths, or if you failed algebra like everyone else chop it in half and go and take calculus so that you can figure out how to continue chopping (next recipe I will ask you to chop it into sevenths). Smother in sour cream. Scoop tomato, cilantro, avocado mixture on top. Devour. Pray to Jesus that you will not in fact burst into flames from all the spice in your mouth. It is now okay to call the ambulance.