The Latte Day 1: Disappointing Chai

I have purchased my fair share of Starbucks in my day. One of those little-known facts about myself is that I have achieved the American Dream of becoming a Gold Card member of the largest chain coffee establishment in the world. As I am so much more achieved than the rest of you, let me bequeath upon you the wisdom I learned in all my fine dining and WIFI streaming—Starbucks is trash. I have legitimately ground up dried raspberries from the vine and steeped them, and I am pretty sure they tasted better than the hot dirt water Starbucks sells for $4.50 plus tax.

Perhaps I could write on how Starbucks is loaded with problems, but that wouldn’t give justice to the injustices here. Let’s be honest … the problem is Starbucks.

Let me recount the ways.

First off, Starbucks has marketed a fake coffee drink and made millions of people think that Frappuccino is a legitimate thing you can order elsewhere. Fail. It is not even a word. If you don’t trust me Merriam-Webster it. Or just trust this handy-dandy screen shot of me doing so. It is a brand-name to all you Santa-believing-caramel-sipping-ice-cream-Frappuccino-drinking-basic-people. Your ignorance makes them millions.

Also while we are at naming, can we talk about how no one really knows the difference between ex-presso and es-presso, or at least they cannot pronounce the difference. Please people it is es-presso. I am pretty sure Penelope Cruz’s sexy Spanish accent—which almost sounds Italian to all the people who do not know what Italian sounds like—saying Nespresso on a Napa Valley (RIP) villa is the only reason some Americans do know the difference.

Starbucks also has failed to teach anyone the difference between a mocha and a macchiato (I mean they do both start with an M), a latte and a cappuccino (what does dry mean anyway?), and an Americano and an Italiano (Did you know, if you add an O to any country’s name you can make a new drink? Try it. the Canadao and Mexicoo are really exceptional.). This makes ordering a coffee drink at any other coffee place produce about as much anxiety as watching the news.

Then to further abuses they don’t actually use real tea in their Teavana (also just a brand name). Also, the fruit in Teavana drinks only serves to frustrate every straw-sipping commuter who plops $10 a day to drink a quattr-ente of manufacturing.

The baristas also aren’t really baristas. It would be more accurate to call them college-aged wannabe hipsters looking to get free Spotify. (My next order at Starbucks: “Hi College-aged-wannabe-hipster-who-dyed-your-hair-pink-today-who-wants-free-spotify, I would like to purchase a soy-milk vegan gluten-free fair-trade latte, grande, over ice, but placed in the recycled fiber vente hot cup, with two pumps of egotism and a little free-range raw sugar. Thank you!”) I am quite confident they also couldn’t tell you the difference between cappuccinos and lattes.

I am no barista, or wannabe hipster, but I am college-aged, and I am on the quest to tell you the difference between a latte and a cappuccino. So, I have taken it upon myself to make coffee drinks great again, and I have decided to take on the latte.  Today was day 1 and today was a failure. It actually wasn’t bad. Pretty good tasting, but as far as how close to an actual latte it was, it didn’t quite make it. It ended up like more of a sad chai than an actual espresso with steamed milk and foam. So, I guess I will have to try again tomorrow.

The Latte Day 1: Disappointing Chai

• Latte-ness: 4/10
• Create-ability: 3/10
• Fluffiness: 2/10
• Time: 30 minutes
• Flavor: more clove-y than coffee-y. It had nice mellow notes from the butter, but the sea-salt and cardamom were not there at all. Also, the coffee tasted about as flat as Kansas. There was almost nothing exciting about this beyond the fact that I had made it.

Ingredients for how not to make a latte:

• 1/4 Tbl butter
• 2 cloves
• 2 cardamom pods
• 2 Tbl dark roast coffee
• 1/4 cup filtered water
• 3/4 cup milk
• Couple drops of homemade vanilla extract
• Sea salt to taste
• Sugar to taste
• Cinnamon to garnish

Kitchen utensils:

• Coffee grinder
• Frying pan
• Two pots
• Whisk
• White rice (Grind this in your coffee grinder when done making the latte to ease the cleanup of the butter and coffee)

Instructions for how not to make a latte:

Warm frying pan and melt butter. Place the coffee, cardamom, and cloves in pan. (Some peoples in Asia sauté their coffee in yak butter and herbs beforehand to help pull out certain chemicals, I thought it might add nice flavor notes. I don’t know if it did anything.) After the cardamom starts to change to a toasted color, move everything to a clean coffee grinder. Grind to medium fine. (Espresso is usually made with a fine blend, but French presses can only take coarser grounds. We are attempting to make strong coffee, so go as fine as you think your French press can take.) Bring water to almost a boil (~200˚F) and pour over grounds. Brew (by the way steeping is designated for tea only, brew can be used for tea or coffee) for 5 minutes. Add milk to pot, add sugar and vanilla,  then warm the milk. Whisk like crazy. Whisk some more. If you think you are done, whisk a little more, we want ~1/4 of the milk to be foam. Add the coffee shot to decorative coffee bowl (please no coffee mugs). Add the milk then scoop the foam in on top. Garnish with a light dusting of cinnamon. Viola! you have made a disappointing chai!