Apparently, Iowans haven’t figured out how to use the internet yet and start food blogs—I guess they just haven’t discovered how to turn corn into Ethernet cable. So, in my overflowing generosity I graciously obliged a poor Iowan who just wanted to make known to the world a dessert recipe that has been on her heart for over 19 years, but was suppressed by her mother in all the cruel years at home when sugar was scarce and sweets were rebellious, and she just couldn’t let the cry of her confection go totally dark in the deep depths of her heart, for all her life all she knew her one desire was to make this one recipe in secret, yet it was the oppression of her parents that kept it hidden beneath a veil of salads and ‘healthful’ (or is it healthy?) foods. Alas, I did not know what I was getting myself into.
As I ate the sweet chocolate dessert this Iowan had placed before me, she began her story and the heart chords of my soul were struck to the tune of Beethoven’s Sonata Pathetique.
“Oh the difficulties of life back in Iowa…we just…we just…”
The tears began to take their casual stroll from her lower eyelid to the center of her check and then down to the part of the chin where they begin to tickle if you haven’t wiped them up by the time they get there. I didn’t know what to do, so I continued eating my dessert and listening to her story.
“…we just never got to have such saccharine…”
By this point I figured she should have been laughing because so many of those little saline drops, that form in the tear gland, had made it un-wiped-away to that ticklish part.
“…and rebellious desserts. My mother forbid it. I was forced to slave for days and days out in a child sweatshop where I rung up the price on people’s hardware purchases. In all those harsh hours trying to scrape together the barely minimum wage of Iowa, my desires were realized. Those were the days where my dream for sugar began to surface…”
This story was beginning to feel like a Brother’s Grim Fairy tail that left you feeling terrible about yourself except I had yet to find the bloodied limb, but you never know … those saws at the hardware stores can do a lot of damage. But whatever, I had dessert before me.
“College was my one hope for rebellion…”
The crunch of the chocolatey corn cereal ball stole my attention for a few seconds
“…so yeah that is why I made this dessert.”
Without further ado then, here is the rebellious desert that Frances has wanted to see be a food made great again:
DARK REBELLION DESSERT
Frances’ Rating: 9.5/10
Jadon’s Rating: 10/10
SAGA-create-ability: 7/10 (this does involve walking a little way. Uggh. Exercise.)
Would-Ashton-approve-of-this-dessert rating: probs?
Essential Ingredients:
*Iowan
*Iowan who wants to make food great again
*Iowan who wants to make food great again and has dark rebellious dessert passions
*chocolate soft-serve
*those fluffy chocolate flavored corn cereal balls that have trademarked branding
Optional Ingredients:
*chocolate sprinkles
*food blog
*brown SAGA napkins to create the right aesthetic for the photo that goes on food blog
Push down the chocolate soft-serve handle. Get chocolate soft-serve. Walk to cereal section way in the back corner of your cafeteria. Pour those fluffy chocolate flavored corn cereal balls that have trademarked branding into a separate bowl. Walk back to your table. Carefully add your chocolate puffed corn cereal to your ice cream.
Due to the increased complexity of this dish, the instructions shall be repeated for utmost clarity.
Walk one foot in front of the other to that chromed aluminum block that freely places luscious dairy product into the container that is placed below it. Apply pressure to handle that is marked with the signifier CHOCOLATE ICE CREAM. Ensure your bowl is placed below the nozzle of the chocolate ice cream. Fill your bowl. Walk southwest roughly 50 paces. Grab a bowl. Got to the cereal depository that has 1 cm in diameter chocolatey brown spheres. Get cereal into your bowl by turning the little wheel that moves the dessert from the overhead container into your bowl. Walk the two bowls, each of which independently contains an ingredient, back to your place. When you sit at your table. Gently move the cereal spheres from the one bowl to the other. The preferred consumption method is with a spoon.
Make Food Great Again 